thestoryiswrong

I don't sleep very much anymore. I just want to be able to feel tired before 4am. I also want to stop feeling like shit before i do get tired.

In ways i feel numb.

In others apathetic.

Feeling sort of sad

A bit annoyed

Happy, maybe.

Optimistic? Maybe tomorrow...

But really it comes down to the fact that I am feeling numb.

Does everyone feel this way after they graduate college?

I think i have gotten over my anxiety about being around him.
This is a great thing for me. he was actually nice to me and didn’t ignore me, even though i tried to ignore him. not to say it wasn’t awkward, i just know that i can be in the same room with him without feeling as though i am the biggest idiot in the entire world.

Why is that the first person I run into this evening when I went to hang with some friends is the one person i do NOT want to run into? I swear, if he thinks I am following him i will be angry.

He looked sort of awkward seeing me. Maybe it was because i was doing my damn hardest to ignore him. I hope that drives him crazy. He deserves to feel like crap. I don’t appreciate being used, i don’t appreciate being lead on, and I especially don’t appreciate that last weekend he was hitting on someone else right in front of me. No, we were not dating, but it is common courtesy not to hit on someone in front of a girl you were involved with, when you know she is looking to get with you again.

sorry for the rant, i just don’t understand why guys have to be such ass-holes sometimes.

but you know what? I looked HOT last night. and he gave me a double take, snuck a peek if you will. I hope he regrets rejecting me, because i really want to be able to reject him right back. sorry buddy, you had your chance, and without your stubble, you look like a 12 year old boy, and not in a good way.

I am not in a good mood today. I should have known i would have been rejected. he warned me, i just didn’t listen i guess. i made a fool of myself this weekend trying to hit on him, what a bad idea. i have never been that forward with anyone in my life, and i sort of hate myself for it. i feel used, i feel ashamed, i feel i dunno what. I had fun that first night we hooked up, it was nice. but ever since it has been awful. I just wish i didn’t see him everywhere on campus and that i didn’t find him to be very attractive. this would make my life easier.

he offered an apology to my question last night, but to be honest? i doubt he meant it.

I have taken to talking to myself.......

....Outloud.

What the fuck is going on in my brain? I don't like this. and the worst part is, somewhere inside me doesn't give a shit. it really doesn't. but my brain is like YOU MADE AN ASS OF YOURSELF GOOD JOB MELL! or HEY MELL TIME TO BE ALL SORTS OF AWKWARD RIGHT NOW. or DO YOU LIKE HIM? NO, BUT WE ARE GOING TO MAKE YOU THINK YOU DO SO YOU GO CRAZY! BWAHAHAHA

I need a vacation....

EDIT: girls i will explain but not yet, and not on LJ.

I have been fighting calling you for a few days. I don’t know why I feel the need to reach out to you all of a sudden. I know however, that if i do call you it will hurt me. no matter what you say to me…..

Cute guy from last night was at the dance that was happening tonight on campus. I don't usually go to these dances, but my friends Katherine and Sam decided it would be a fun time if all three of us went and just danced as stupidly as possible. It was so much fun! especially when i tried to break dance (of course as jokingly as possible) Those two are so fun.

anyhoo, the cute guy was there, and since I completely blew it last night with him I decided to try again. So i went over and said hello. He seemed genuinely happy to see me, gave me a really cute smile, and then continued to dance with his friends. I tried to get into their little circle with no luck. then hedisappears again. And when he returns he is grinding with this little skanky girl.

I feel like an idiot. WHY CAN'T I FLIRT!? WHY CAN"T I ATTRACT MEN!? i honestly don't know how i got the two boyfriends i have had.

this shouldn't depress me. but for some reason it makes me sad. I was pretty sure this kid was into me last night. it just proves i can't read signals at all.he probably only talked to me last night because he was drunk....... :/

I went to a party tonight, and there was this really cute guy who i am pretty sure was checking me out the entire night. He kept moving closer to where i was in the house, and we chit chatted a few times. A friend of mine showed up to the party so i went to talk to him for a bit, and when i turned around the cute guy was gone. I tried looking for him, but he left. I am such a loser. I dunno how to flirt with guys, and it kinda seemed like he was into me, which I rarely notice and things like this rarely happen to me….. FML.

i found him on facebook….(i am not a stalker i swear!) so who knows, but i feel like the worst flirt known to man….oy.

the only problem with this guy is, he's a freshman....

I am at the point in the evening where i think about love. The love i had, the love i crave, the love i hope for.

I want to be in love again. I miss it terribly.

I really can’t handle being sad anymore. I hate this “getting over you” process. It’s really getitng in the way of me being happy. it’s been 4 months damnit! you would think I would stop having days where i just want to curl up into a ball and cry over you.

i just need something to go right. something to make me forget about my sadness. i need to be excited to go back to school instead of dreading the fact that all of the new friends i made this semester don’t like to call me to hang out.

i haven’t felt this alone since high school. and i hated myself in high school.

Oh how that was true this evening. I went to go hang out with some friends of mine, and this one guy who i usually find to be a complete jerk, you know the type says things to make pepole feel uncomfortable, that whole deal, i end up talking with him in his room for like 3 freakin hours about movies, politics, art, everything really. And in all honesty, it was the first time i have had a coherent conversation like that with someone in a really long time. It was kinda nice. I certainly don’t agree with everything he said, and vice versa, but w/e. it changed my outlook on him, which is always a good thing. i just feel bad i disapeared from my friends for a while.

I just got asked by a professor if I am the type of person who always needs to be with someone. (meaning romantically). Because it seems to him i am always with someone. I never thought i was like that....but maybe i am....

This is depressing me horribly.

i haven't crushed like this in a while. i fear i am WAY too obvious, and that i may have made a fool of myself last night.

words haunt me. and i hate it.

i don't really post here anymore. i mainly use it to keep up with others.

i have another blog however, where you can check in on me. I mostly post things i find off of the internet, but i do occasionally write things there. check it out

http://doodleology.tumblr.com/

I wish i didn’t feel pathetic.

i wish i could listen to music.

i wish things didn’t end.

i wish my heart didn’t hurt everytime i thought of you.

i wish you were out of my dreams.

i wish i didn’t have hope for us.

i wish you hadn’t contacted me.

i wish i could stop crying.

i wish i knew if you thought of me still the way i still think about you.

i wish i knew when i could see you next.

i wish i knew why your energy keeps sending itself to me.

i wish i could hold you again.

i wish we could be friends.

Living without you is like learning how to write with your opposite hand. You can do it, it doesn't look as good but with practice it will get better.

and at this moment.......it all its me.

if you could only see the pain you are causing me. you would regret everything.

now what?